I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
