I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
How does it feel to date your dad?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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