you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
