Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
