you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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