I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
