oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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