Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
