new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
