I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
