hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
