you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
