I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
