I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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