true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
