Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
