Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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