I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
