I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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