Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
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