Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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