Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
