I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
