I think I died a long time ago.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize