I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
