I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
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It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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