you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Randomize
