at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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