She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
