OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
