I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
