connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
