I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
