I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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