either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
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