I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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