me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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