I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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