hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
