we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
