I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Randomize
