They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
