he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
too bad you live with your parents still
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
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Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
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we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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