well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
