i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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