some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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