3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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