She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
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