every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
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Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
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My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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