with your own penis?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
You left your phone here
Wait...
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