I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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