arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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