two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
