Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
