Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
